


Nobody, Not Even the Rain

by botanistlester (Skeletonflowers)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Painful Sex, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Safewords, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 19:43:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8340262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skeletonflowers/pseuds/botanistlester
Summary: Dan is fine. It's what he's told himself all along. Even though it hurts when he has sex with his boyfriend, even though he shakes for no reason at all; he's fine. He's happy. But when he meets Phil, he learns about respect, trust, and how a relationship is truly supposed to be like. Most of all, he learns that maybe he's not doing so well after all.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/gifts).



> This is an EXTREMELY heavy fic with a lot of dark topics. Basically Dan is in an abusive relationship and it deals with him trying to get out of it and recovering. It was very hard to write this and took me a lot of guts to actually post this so I hope you like it! Please don't read this if you are triggered by this sort of thing. Thank you to Emily (vanillasolitude) who beta'd this for me, and thank you to Eliza (theinsanityplays) who gave me the nerve to write this c: I love you both.  
> (Title creds: Nobody, Not Even the Rain - La Dispute)
> 
> This was recently voted Best Universe Augmentation in the phanfic awards 2016! It also got a handful of second and third place awards <3

It hurt. Dan didn’t know how he got into this situation in the first place, but he knew it hurt and he wondered why he stayed despite of it all.

Dan’s eyes were glued to the ceiling, wide and unblinking, and sweat plastered his hair to his forehead. He could feel his fists clenching at his sides, gripping the white sheets of his bed until his knuckles turned white and his lips were burning from his teeth biting harshly into the skin. There were tears stinging behind his eyes but he tried to keep them in. He couldn’t let them fall, he just couldn’t. There was a disgusting feeling in his stomach, one where he wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or if he wanted to throw up. He didn’t do either, instead swallowing his emotions and squeezing his eyes shut.

Whenever Dan and Jake had sex, it always hurt. Every. Single. Time. Dan never knew anything else, honestly. Jake was Dan’s first time and he never bothered to prepare Dan properly, never really cared if he was in pain or if he was feeling good. Dan never said anything about it either. If he did, Jake would no doubt get mad at him.

With one last thrust, Dan was swallowing a whine in his throat, wincing at the sharp pain running through his abdomen, and then Jake was coming, groaning loudly before rolling off of Dan. He gave Dan a pointed look. “Get dressed,” he ordered. “My parents are going to be home in ten minutes.”

Dan never even reached his own orgasm.

Instead of complaining, he moved to sit up, grimacing at the pain that ran down his back with the movement. He could hear the slap of metal as Jake did up his buckle while Dan gingerly pulled up his own boxers and jeans. He kept his eyes down as he finished dressing. He felt disgusting, like he needed a shower, and the way Jake was pushing him out of the door was making him feel nauseous.

He felt like Jake was ashamed of him, like he only used him to get off and Dan was just a useless sex toy. Jake wouldn’t even kiss him goodbye and then the door was closed, slammed in front of Dan’s face, and Dan was left to shiver in the front yard as snow was falling around him.

He had forgotten his damn jacket inside of Jake’s house.

Instead of knocking on the door, he decided to just say fuck it and began the trek to his house, which was only about a fifteen minute walk. Either way, that was fifteen minutes of limping due to the sharp pain in his ass as well as shivering from the cold temperature. How pathetic that he didn’t even have a boyfriend who cared for his own well-being?

But that’s what he deserved, he supposed. After being in a relationship with Jake for over a year, it’s not like Dan could do any better and it’s not like he could just up and leave for no good reason. That was alright. He could deal with it.

He was happy… Right?

-

The one place that Dan absolutely loved about his university campus was the library. Bracken Library was one of a kind, with a beautiful brick exterior that had the actual architecture to make it look like stacked books. The inside had beautiful marble floors and a statue of a woman with a deer that looked vaguely like a forest princess. The bottom floor had a small coffee shop with the best muffins and the sweetest white chocolate mochas that melted on the tip of Dan’s tongue.

It was homely, smelling of coffee and old books. This was the place he came to when he needed to get away from everything, to get away from his own thoughts and feelings, to just drown himself in the lives of other people. To forget. A poem, a novel, anything honestly. To be cast into a world of fantasy makes Dan able to relax, his mind peacefully blank.

He had settled on the novel Fangirl for the moment, cracking open the book with a satisfied hum. Starting out new books was always a bit boring because you were learning about the character, but soon enough he was sucked into the story, learning about how the main character was going into university and how she wrote a popular fanfiction in her spare time. It was entertaining and he was perfectly happy to be trapped in his own little bubble.

Later that day, Dan was going to meet Jake by the duck pond (given its name from the copious amounts of ducks swimming in it) as per usual. It was a daily routine, Dan and Jake would part ways to go to class, Dan would then go to the library while Jake finished up classes, and then they would meet at the duck pond where they would spend the rest of the day together. It worked and Dan didn’t have to worry about keeping up with friends because Jake really was his only friend. For some reason, people stopped wanting to hang out with him once he started dating Jake.

But that’s alright, Dan wasn’t sad about it. Not anymore. He was content, with himself, with Jake. He was fine.

So why did he get a disgusting feeling in his gut whenever someone new tries to befriend him? Like he’s doing something wrong, something unforgivable? It never used to be like this, but he could never really pinpoint when he stopped trying to converse with others.

“What are you reading?”

Dan jumped at the voice, snapped out of his fantasy as if he had just been shot. His stomach churned at the idea of talking to someone but he swallowed it down, forced himself to look up and make eye contact, forced himself to look normal. The man was about his age, maybe a year or two older. He had sparkling blue eyes and a soft smile, skin so pale it practically glowed in the dim lighting of the library. His hair was swept to the side in a fringe, the colour of a raven’s wing. He seemed friendly enough, genuinely intrigued by Dan’s reading choice. “Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell,” Dan replied slowly. His voice was so quiet that he was unsure if the man even heard.

He did though, nodding and grinning brightly. It was then that Dan noticed the stack of books clutched in his grip. His fingers were long and slender and held the books as if they were fragile, breakable. Dan couldn’t bring himself to look away. “A good choice!” the man said. He nodded to the seat opposite of Dan, the empty spot blaringly inviting and Dan willed himself not to wince. “May I sit? There aren’t anymore available tables that I could find and you seem rather friendly.”

A quick glance around confirmed that each table was occupied and Dan felt his chest constrict with panic. He wasn’t good with people, hadn’t had a regular conversation with somebody since forever. What if this guy thinks he’s a freak? Instead, he agreed and watched as the man set his books on the table and sat down into the chair gratefully.

This time, Dan allowed himself to read over the titles of the man’s selections. Upon closer inspection, he realized that the guy had just collected three books of Edgar Allan Poe’s works. Dan blinked. Who the fuck goes to the library just to read Edgar Allan Poe?

The man must have seen Phil looking because he chuckled and tapped on the books with light fingers. “I’m doing a research paper,” he said, smiling with amusement. “I’m Phil by the way. Thank you for letting me sit with you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m Dan.” He was proud of himself for even conjuring up the energy to speak that much. He felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket and flinched at the sensation. Phil frowned curiously at him but Dan ignored it and pulled out his phone, reading the message. 

It was Jake, of course. Who else would be texting him anyways? He had asked Dan if their plans were still on for that day, the winking emoji making Dan’s stomach lurch uncomfortably. He didn’t mention it though, and if Phil noticed Dan’s sudden change in demeanor, he didn’t mention it either. Instead, he waited patiently for Dan to finish texting Jake that everything was still on before launching into another conversation.

Dan didn’t want to be rude, but he didn’t feel particularly up to speaking. He couldn’t stop thinking about later, when Jake would be leaning over him while Dan tried not to curl into himself. It was pathetic because Dan wanted to enjoy it. He was a sexual person who liked to get off on the occasion, but the difference was that with Jake, it didn’t feel good. It made him not want to have sex, because if painful sex was the only thing he knew, then why would sex with anybody else be any better? Like anyone would want to have sex with Dan anyway.

Dan hardly realised that he had taken the sleeve of his sweater and was chewing it harshly, a nervous habit that he’d acquired some months ago that seemed to have appeared out of thin air. He only realised he had been doing it because Phil was asking if he was alright, stopping in the middle of his sentence and seeming so genuinely concerned that Dan could hardly breathe. “I’m fine,” he answered, smiling. He could feel that his smile wasn’t particularly convincing, but Phil didn’t mention anything, probably not wanting to push it. “Is it alright if I just read though? Sorry. I’m not really feeling up to talking at the moment.”

“Oh!” Phil gasped. He seemed embarrassed, his cheeks flushing a bright red colour. Dan wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he was just a weird person, but his tongue wouldn’t form any words. “I’m sorry, I tend to rant about irrelevant things a lot. Just ignore me, I’m sorry.”

Dan managed to get out a small, “It’s okay,” before his vocal cords were exhausted for the day and he clamped his mouth shut, turning his attention back to his book.

For three hours, Phil stayed quiet across from him, chin resting in his hand while his eyes skimmed sleepily over his own books. Dan couldn’t help but continuously glance at him, scrutinising him and wondering why the hell he wasn’t leaving when Dan had been so antisocial. Each time, Phil would catch his eyes and smile brightly before looking back to his books and continuing with his homework.

 

He didn’t speak until Dan was packing his book into his bag. Only then did he say, “Thank you for letting me sit with you, Dan. It was really nice to meet you.”

Dan nodded back, lips twitching up. “You too, Phil.” And then he was leaving, making his way over to where Jake was meeting him at the duck pond.

Each step closer felt just a little bit heavier, and Dan couldn’t remember exactly when that had started and the old butterflies he used to feel had ended.

-

The second day that Phil sat next to Dan, he was more than pleasantly surprised. Phil didn’t speak, just smiled at him before going back to reading and allowing Dan to do the same. He almost ask Phil why he was there again, but decided against it. A quick look around the library showed that there were no seats once again.

The third and fourth day, Dan was still feeling a bit strange about the whole thing, but by the fifth day, he came to seek comfort in the fact that Phil liked him enough to want to keep sitting by him. He liked the fact that Phil respected him enough to comply by his wishes and allow him to read without interruption.

By the sixth day, Dan spoke.

“Why are you sitting with me?” Dan asked quietly. His voice wasn’t condescending in the slightest, just curious. He had a right to be after all. A complete stranger was willing to sit by him even though Dan hadn’t exactly been welcoming. “Not that I mind, but I wasn’t very nice to you so I don’t understand why you’re willing to keep sitting next to me, I guess?”

Phil looked taken aback, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. His fingers were frozen where he was in the middle of turning a page. Slowly, he lowered his hand and Dan watched as the book page fluttered to its usual resting place. “You looked like you needed a friend,” he said awkwardly. Now it was Phil’s turn to be sheepish. “I’ve seen you around a few times and haven’t seen you with anybody, so I thought you might have needed somebody to keep you company. If you want it, of course. I’m not going to force you to be my friend and I could always leave you alone if you want.” He smiled shyly and scratched the back of his neck.

Dan’s head was starting to hurt a bit. His fingers were itching to tap on the desk with anxiety but he willed them not to, sticking them under his thighs instead. How could a stranger care that much about him? They had only had one conversation anymore and Phil had listened to Dan and tried his best to make him comfortable. He didn’t get mad, he didn’t leave. He came back the next day, sat down, smiled at Dan, and allowed the both of them to sit in silence while giving Dan company if he ever felt like talking.

Who the fuck does that?

Dan averted his eyes, staring at the endless mass of words on the book in front of him. “I would like to be your friend,” he told Phil softly. He didn’t even realize how much he needed a friend until he said the words aloud and felt a huge weight lift from his shoulders.

A friend. Was Phil his friend?

Phil let out a breath he seemed to have been holding and Dan finally looked up to see Phil grinning so widely that his eyes were positively shining. “I’d like that too, Dan.”

Dan smiled back before freezing, looking at the time. “Fuck!” He hissed, scrambling to get his things together. He had been so distracted by the possibility of a friend that he hadn’t been paying attention to the time. He was twenty-six minutes late to meeting up with Jake.

Fuck, he was going to kill Dan.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, concern laced in his voice.

“Ah, I forgot I was meeting my-”

Before Dan could finish his explanation, a presence at his side cut him off. He glanced up from where he was cramming Fangirl into his backpack and immediately winced, straightening up to his full height. “Hey babe.” His voice was quivering and he hoped that nobody could hear it.

Jake’s face was sickly sweet, a fake smile plastered on his lips as he leaned forward to press a kiss to Dan’s lips. It was unbelievably uncomfortable, especially in front of Dan’s new friend. He wondered if Phil would even want to be his friend now that Dan’s sexuality was out in the open. “Hey,” Jake said. His eyes bore into Dan’s own, slowly flickering over to Phil with the same sweet smile on his face. “You didn’t show up at our meeting spot. Did you get distracted?”

Dan looked down at his hands, wondering why they were shaking, but decided he was probably just hungry. He clenched onto the straps of his backpack, trying not to stare at Phil as he answered his boyfriend. “I got caught up in my reading, as usual,” he said earnestly. It was partially true; he didn’t feel like introducing Jake to Phil just yet, didn’t feel as if he and Phil were on good enough terms yet.

Luckily, Jake decided to take his answer and nodded stiffly. His hand reached over to take Dan’s hand in his own, wrenching it away from his tight grip on his bag straps. Dan made sure to smile unsurely at Phil as they walked away. He couldn’t help but wonder if Phil would be there to sit with him the next day. But then again, why did it matter to Dan?

That night, Jake was rougher than usual. Dan could tell he was mad by the way he pushed Dan roughly onto the bed, yanking his trousers down like he didn’t have any other care in the world. Dan could tell by the way his fingers tangled roughly in his hair, pulling and on the edge of painful.

As usual, Dan kept his eyes on the ceiling. But this time, he couldn’t help a few tears from falling from the corners of his eyes, and when Jake noticed, he apologised profusely, saying he didn’t mean to be so rough and that he hadn’t meant to harm Dan. He promised not to do it again.

So Dan wondered why it still hurt even though Jake made a promise not to harm him. He wasn’t even surprised when it happened again, he just felt defeated.

-

“Woah, are you alright?”

Dan jumped a bit at the voice, flinching and gripping the edge of his book. The pages crinkled under his fingers a bit, making indents in the paper. When he noticed Phil sliding into the seat across from him, he relaxed and gave a small smile. “I’m fine.” His voice sounded strange to him, though. Unconvincing, tired. He became aware of the way his eyes were drooping and there was no doubt in his mind that he looked like shit.

Phil frowned, seeming to take this information in. His eyes flicked over Dan’s face and concern replaced the contemplative expression. “How did you get those marks on your neck?”

Ah yes, the marks. Dan grimaced as he brought them up, his mind flashing back to when Jake had choked him pretty hard while they were having sex. At the time, it hadn’t seemed too bad, but it had brought colour to Dan’s neck, fingerprints that weren’t going away. He hid it with a scarf through the whole day but he hadn’t given it a second thought when he finally took the damn thing off as soon as he walked into the warm cocoon of the library. And now Phil was asking about it. “I’d rather not talk about it,” Dan said flatly. He hoped Phil got the message.

Please, please, please.

Phil nodded in understanding, tapping his fingers on the table while he got out a book with his other hand. “That’s alright, you don’t have to talk about it. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” His eyes dropped from Dan’s face and to the open page of his book, becoming silent. They had seemed to flow into a mutual understanding that Dan liked to be silent while he read, with minimal smalltalk and the comfort of another person reading across from him.

Just like the last time Phil respected him, Dan felt mildly shocked. Phil didn’t pry, didn’t ask if he was alright twenty times. He just accepted Dan’s word and respected him enough not to dig into his personal life. Maybe that was why Dan found himself opening his mouth, words coming out like literal word vomit. “Do you want to hang out with me sometime?”

Phil’s eyes flickered away from his book and up to Dan, meeting his eyes with wide pools of blue. He seemed surprised and Dan didn’t blame him, holding Phil’s gaze as best as he could when all he wanted to do was avoid eye contact and shrink into himself. Slowly, Phil’s face morphed into a wide smile that was becoming strangely familiar. “I would love to hang out with you, Dan,” he said. “Would you like to get some coffee now? I know you usually have somewhere to be at six but we have an hour and a half until then, so maybe we can kill some time.”

Dan agreed and it was as simple as that. They packed their respective bags, Phil chattering away about one of his classes. In this time, Dan learned that Phil was studying political science and wanted to make the school system a little less corrupt. Dan didn’t tell him this, but he could definitely see the school system being a little bit sunnier with Phil in it. In turn, Dan told him about how he was studying astronomy and the way Phil’s eyes lit up with wonder made him unable to hide the smile crawling up his face.

“So do you know a bunch of constellations and stuff?” Phil asked once they got their coffees and sat down. (Dan noticed that Phil got the same thing he did; an iced white mocha with extra white chocolate. That small detail made him smile a bit).

Shrugging, Dan took a sip of his drink. The flavour exploded on his tongue and he was definitely beyond glad they decided to get coffee. “I know a few,” he said quietly. “I’m still learning, but I could probably point out a few odd ones.”

“You’ll have to show me sometime.” Phil’s comment was so innocent, so earnest that it made Dan glance up in mild surprise. He actually wanted to learn about the thing that was interesting to Dan, and that made Dan’s stomach twist strangely.

Dan agreed. Phil grinned.

When the time came, it was hard to tear himself away from the conversation to meet up with Jake. Phil was so interesting and listened to everything Dan had said as if it was the most important thing in the world. He would lean forward when Dan was talking, head cocked to the side while he listened intently, nodding when he agreed with something Dan had said.

Dan liked it. He liked feeling like his words were important and liked the way Phil looked at him as if he were important.

So he didn’t want to leave. But he did anyways, because that’s what he was supposed to do.

-

Dan was nervous. His palms were shaking, his face was flushed, and he could feel his heart beating hard in his chest. He was nervous but he really had no reason to be.

Why should he be afraid to hang out with other people? It was a normal thing that people his age did and definitely not something to feel ashamed of. And yet he did, the guilt gouging deep in his stomach and making it hard to focus on anything else. He and Phil had been talking for about a month and Phil had started wondering why Dan always turned down his offer to go over to his house; he couldn’t put this off forever and he was just going to have to suck up his anxiety and go with it.

When Jack asked about hanging out that day, Dan politely declined, stating that he had something to do with his family. He didn’t know why he was lying but it rolled off of his tongue before he could stop it, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. It was okay, hanging out with Phil wasn’t a crime, Dan was going to be alright.

Phil’s flat was small, but it was definitely homely, little plants lining the windowsills and Salvador Dalí artwork hanging up, accented by the gentle glow of fairy lights. The house itself smelled of burning candles (Marshmallow Fireside, to be exact) and made Dan’s stress subside a bit. The little apartment was warm, just like Phil was.

“I like your place,” Dan said quietly, smiling at the way Phil seemed so excited by his very presence. The place was a stark contrast in comparison to Dan’s own flat, which harboured sad black furniture and barely any knick knacks that made the place his. Maybe he would have to invest in some decorations for once. “It reminds me of you.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Phil chuckled. His eyes were shining and he bumped Dan’s hip with his own, leaving the area where they touched buzzing with invisible pin pricks. Dan didn’t know what it was, but he decided that he liked the feeling. It made him feel electric, alive. He didn’t know where it had come from but he wanted to feel that sensation more. Phil didn’t seem nearly as phased as Dan was at the small touch, he was rambling on about what he was planning for the night, completely oblivious to Dan’s flushed state. “I was planning on cooking us dinner - does fajitas sound good? You’re not a vegetarian, right? If you are then I could probably just cook you some with just peppers or someth-?”

“Phil,” Dan said softly, giving him a friendly smile. Phil stopped mid-sentence, giving Dan a smile that matched his own. “I’m not a vegetarian. Fajitas sound great, I promise.”

“Great! Then I’ll start that and I was thinking maybe we could watch a show. Have you ever seen Gravity Falls? I recently got into it and I think you’d like it a lot.”

“I’ve never seen it before, but I would love if you showed it to me.”

“You’ll love it, I promise.” Phil walked into the kitchen, a bright room with cute little windows and light yellow paint. There was a fish bowl sitting on one of the sills, a small pinkish-white betta that was swimming happily in it’s bowl. “That’s Daisy,” Phil said absentmindedly when he noticed Dan staring. He started to rummage through the cupboards, looking for spices and other ingredients while Dan perched himself on the edge of one of the barstools.

He still felt a little bit awkward, slightly anxious about hanging out with another man without Jake knowing about it, but he was slowly relaxing. Phil was nice, he was soft and he liked Dan despite the antisocial demeanor he showed at the beginning. Phil was slowly becoming someone that Dan knew he could trust, and he didn’t particularly mind it. It was nice having a friend around who wasn’t Jake.

Phil was humming as he started cooking the chicken, a light smile on his lips, looking truly and utterly happy. Dan didn’t think he’d ever seen him without a smile, but that was just a part of Phil that was extremely comforting and welcoming. It made Dan want to smile as well.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he froze, heart pounding in his chest. He knew he was being stupid, he shouldn’t be nervous about the possibility of getting a text from his own boyfriend, but the action was so ingrained in him at this point that he didn’t know how to stop it anymore. He was vaguely aware of Phil glancing at him with his brows furrowed as he pulled the device out of his pocket, but he didn’t pay attention to him. His ears were roaring and he looked at the message, frowning a bit.

From: Jake Olmstead

You haven’t texted me in thirty minutes.

Dan took a deep breath before texting him back, messing up three times before he finally was able to type a simple message apologising, saying that he had just been busy with homework. He didn’t know why he kept lying about where he was or who he was talking to, but Dan couldn’t help but let his shoulders slump. He was a terrible boyfriend and he didn’t deserve Jake.

“What’s wrong?” Phil’s voice snapped Dan out of his self loathing thoughts and he glanced up to find Phil staring at him with worry in those big blue eyes.

Dan shrugged. “Not a big deal,” he told him, the lie slipping from his tongue easily. He was frightened by how easily lying had come to him in the past few weeks, how his voice didn’t even waver anymore and he could make eye contact as if there truly was nothing wrong.

But Phil didn’t buy the lie, his eyebrow raising and staring with a calculating gaze right at Dan. After a moment of just staring at each other, Phil let out a long sigh and dropped his gaze back to where the chicken was cooking. “I won’t make you tell me,” Phil told him and Dan would have dropped something if he was holding an item. “But if you ever need to talk to anybody about things, I don’t care what it is or what time it is, if you’re ever sad, I’m here for you. You don’t have to deal with your emotions by yourself.”

Dan gaped at him. His mind was spinning and his vision was blurry around the edges. He stared at Phil as the chicken finished cooking and he began to put it on a plate, getting it ready for the fajitas. He couldn’t remember the last time that someone had told him they were there for him, even if he didn’t feel like talking about his feelings. Phil was there and Dan had that option to go to him without being forced to or pressured into telling him anything. Phil wasn’t going to judge him and he wasn’t going to shame him if Dan ever found himself having bad thoughts at three in the morning.

Phil was a good person and Dan could feel his heart beating a little faster in his chest.

Before he could register anything, his mouth was blurting out words that he hadn’t been able to process first. Literal word vomit. “It hurts when Jake and I have sex.”

Just like Dan had imagined himself doing only moments before, Phil dropped his spatula. He stared in shock at the object where it was lying on the ground and then slowly turned that expression onto Dan’s face. He could feel his face heating up and his eyelashes were wet with moisture and god damn it, Dan was so fucking weak. He shouldn’t be this fucked up because it hurt to have sex with Jake. He shouldn’t be about to break down in Phil’s fucking kitchen the first time he went over there just because his boyfriend didn’t make him feel good.

He saw Phil swallow, his adam’s apple bouncing as he did so. Phil blinked. “What?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard Dan correctly.

That was all it took for Dan to spit out everything that had been bothering him since before he could remember. The look in Phil’s eyes was so soft as he spoke, so inviting, as if he legitimately cared about every single word coming out of Dan’s mouth. “I know it’s stupid. Believe me, I know that more than anyone. But Jake doesn’t - ah - he doesn’t prep me or anything before and it hurts so fucking bad and it’s ridiculous that it upsets me this much but I dread whenever I go home with him because of it.”

“You’re not ridiculous, Dan,” Phil whispered, but Dan apparently wasn’t done, the words rushing out before he could clamp down on his own tongue.

“It didn’t used to be such shit but every time I talk to him, I get nauseous. He doesn’t listen to me and I feel like I’m less than a person because of it. I can’t even fucking tell him that I’m hanging out with you because I feel like he’ll freak out. Fucking- he doesn’t even treat me like a boyfriend, but more like a fuck toy who he can get off on. I don’t even orgasm afterwards and he doesn’t try to change that. But that’s fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine.”

By the time Dan was finished, his breath was coming out in large pants and the chicken was laying forgotten on a plate. He barely registered the fact that his phone vibrated in his pocket, but when he did, he grimaced, took it out of his pocket, and flung it on a chair where he couldn’t see it. He didn’t want to see it right then, not when Phil was looking almost more heartbroken than he was.

Then Phil was reaching out towards him, most likely trying to comfort him by touch, and Dan was flinching away from him as if by habit. It left Phil’s hands to fall limply by his side, but he didn’t look bothered in the slightest by Dan’s unwillingness to touch him. Instead, he licked his lips and Dan followed the movement as best as he could when his eyes hurt from holding back stupid tears. “Dan, you aren’t ridiculous for being upset. You have a right to be upset about that kind of thing. Sex isn’t supposed to be painful, it’s supposed to be an intimate and pleasurable connection between consenting people. You deserve better than that, Dan.”

Dan’s lips were quivering with the words and Phil’s expression was so soft that Dan’s heart was hurting from just that look. He wrapped his arms around himself and felt so pathetic when he realized that his cheeks were wet and the stupid tears had fallen so easily. “I can’t leave him!” Dan exclaimed after a moment of not knowing what to say. “He fucking scares me, Phil, and I can’t leave him. I need him. He’s the only one I have.”

“No one said you had to leave him, Dan.” Looking up through his eyelashes, Dan saw Phil smiling gently at him and Dan’s heart lurched in his chest. “Although I can tell you that he’s not the only one you have. I’m here for you now and I’m not planning on going anywhere.”

It seemed as if that was all it took for Dan to barrel himself into Phil’s arms. It was a strange concept that he actually wanted to be held because he usually didn’t like being touched, but Phil felt safe and he was the only person who’d told him that everything was not okay but that he was going to be there for Dan whenever he needed him. That was exactly the thing that Dan had needed to hear.

Phil seemed surprised when Dan was suddenly collapsing into him, but he was wrapping his arms around Dan nonetheless, practically holding Dan up. Dan’s face was buried in his neck, arms wrapped tightly around Phil’s shoulders, and he was slightly embarrassed that he was crying during their first time hanging out, but Phil didn’t seem to care. Phil had his nose buried in Dan’s hair and his arms around Dan’s waist, holding him so tightly as if he was afraid Dan would go anywhere. It made him feel safe, having affiliated that feeling with Phil and his words and his non-judgemental eyes.

“You’re safe,” Phil murmured, his breath brushing against Dan’s neck and making him shiver. “You’ll always be safe when you’re here with me.”

-

After that incident, Phil quickly became Dan’s safe haven.

It didn’t matter what time it was, Phil was always there for Dan with open arms and a listening ear. He would let Dan mope around his apartment, eat all of his ice cream, and even hold him whenever Dan’s emotions became too much and he ended up a sobbing mess.

Dan was so grateful for him, so grateful to have found someone who he could put his faith into. Someone he could trust. It was refreshing and Dan found himself spending less time with Jake and more time at Phil’s house. Often, he would find himself going straight to Phil’s right after he finished with Jake, his body sore and his eyes burning with exhaustion. Phil never questioned and just allowed Dan to curl up in a ball on the couch, tucking him in with a blanket. It made Dan feel as if he were a burrito, a burrito away from all of his worries. He would then turn on a random anime and Dan would end up dozing off. Phil let him.

When Dan had thought he was stuck in darkness forever, there was suddenly Phil, a bright light shining through the black abyss. And Dan didn’t feel so alone anymore.

They were laying on Phil’s balcony, squished together because the platform was rather small, but it was nice because Phil was warm and they could clearly see the night sky from where they were laying. Phil’s arm brushed against Dan as he pointed out a faint constellation, Dan’s skin tingling at the touch.

He had quickly found out just how much he’d liked to touch Phil since he first came over. Phil was just so fucking warm and Dan didn’t think he felt so relaxed with anybody else. He was always looking for excuses to touch him, through awkward hugs, putting his feet on Phil’s lap during a movie, even keeping their shoulders pressed together whenever they were sitting unnecessarily close. Phil didn’t seem to mind either, so Dan took it as welcoming to continue.

“The stars are really beautiful when you can make pictures out of them,” Phil told Dan. His voice was so quiet that Dan had to strain his ears to hear him over the soft rustle of wind through autumn leaves. “You describe them all so well that I can see what they’re supposed to look like.”

Dan chuckled. His hand came to rest over his stomach, elbow resting against Phil’s stomach. “It’s the stars that do that, not me,” he murmured.

He could hear rather than see Phil rolling onto his side, could feel his gaze sweeping across his skin. The hairs on Dan’s arms stood up but he blamed it on the nighttime breeze. “It’s definitely you, Dan.”

Phil’s voice was so soft that Dan couldn’t help himself. He rolled over to his side and came face-to-face with ocean blue eyes, heart thundering in his chest. Stars were dancing in Phil’s eyes and Dan’s chest tightened. They were so close that he could barely breathe. “You’re flattering me, Lester,” Dan whispered.

Even with Dan’s close proximity, he could still see a small smile twinge up the corner of Phil’s lips. Dan could feel Phil’s breath over his lips and he could only imagine what Jake would say if he saw him now. He cast those thoughts out of his mind and instead focused on Phil’s lips, the way they moved when he spoke, how they were pink and soft. Enticing. “Good. I like to flatter you.”

It was so cheesy but Dan couldn’t move. His brain was under some sort of fog, thoughts hazy. He could only gaze at Phil’s lips, stuck in a trance, and did Phil move closer?

Phil’s fingers resting under Dan’s jaw silenced his fearful thoughts completely. He welcomed the silence, turning his face into Phil’s touch. He imagined that if he were a cat, he would have been purring. Phil was just so damn warm, so comforting. He didn’t know what had taken over his body but he definitely liked it.

Then those fingers, so soft and gentle, pulled Dan forward until their noses were brushing and Dan couldn’t breathe. His head was fuzzy and Phil was so close that he could feel his breath against his face. Dan’s eyes fluttered shut and his throat constricted as if there was a piece of cotton trapped in his lungs.

Dan didn’t think he liked kissing. It was usually so rough, so controlling and demanding. He didn’t like the way it felt as if he had no control over his own actions. There was usually teeth and biting and scratching and pulling, and Dan hated it.

He hated feeling trapped.

But this didn’t feel like kissing. This felt like the entire night sky had come down and personally engulfed him into a tight hug. Phil’s fingers were soft as they caressed his cheek, his thumb tracing circles into Dan’s jawline. His lips weren’t demanding in the slightest but were gentle, tasting of cherry chapstick and cheap Moscato they’d cracked open only an hour before.

Kissing Phil felt like freedom.

But just as soon as it started, it was ripped away from Dan, falling to pieces in front of his eyes. Phil jumped back, sitting up in a rush. His eyes were a mass of black chaos and his hair was mussed, making him look like a small child who had done something wrong. Normally pale, his skin was a sickly white, face filled with realization of what he’d done.

“I’m so sorry!” he gasped and Dan could feel himself sinking into the roof, trying to shrink into himself as if the Earth would swallow him whole. “You- you have a boyfriend, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m the worst person in the entire world and you aren’t mine to kiss.”

“Phil.”

The world stopped. Phil froze, a deer in the headlights. Dan had a moment where he felt as if his body was moving of it’s own accord, speaking for him, a single whisper in darkness. Phil was staring at him and his lips tingled where they had touched. He forced a watery smile and it took him a moment to realize that he had a tear rolling down his face. Phil reached out and wiped it away without a second thought. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Dan took a deep breath and looked away, trying to explain what was on his mind. “I’ve known things weren’t alright with Jake for a while now. He doesn’t make me happy and he doesn’t make me feel loved. It hurts when I’m with him. But… I’m scared. I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like he’ll hurt me if I leave.” Dan pushed his palms into his eyes. He didn’t know whether he was trying to keep the tears in or if he was trying to keep himself together. “You make me feel safe but I don’t know how to leave him.”

For a moment, the only sound was from the wind rustling through the leaves, curling Dan’s hair and sticking to his forehead. He let his palms fall to his sides, staring at Phil through heavy lidded eyes. What he saw there made his chest hurt.

Phil had such a soft expression on his face that could only be described as raw adoration. Dan blinked, his breath stuttering, as Phil brushed Dan’s fringe out of his face. “Take as much time as you need,” Phil told him. “I’m here for you whenever you need me and we will get you out of that situation.” He leaned down and kissed Dan’s forehead. His lips burned where they touched him. “I promise.”

-

“I think you need to get counselling.”

Dan stopped chewing his bite of pizza to stare at Phil, a deer in the headlights. He swallowed slowly and cleared his throat. “Um. What?”

Phil’s eyes were flickering back and forth, seemingly unsure of where to look. He was nervous, Dan could tell as much, and he was twiddling his fingers, tapping them on his knees. “I mean, I don’t think you’re emotionally okay right now? Maybe it’d benefit you to, I dunno, see a psychologist?” His eyes softened and his gaze landed on Dan. He seemed sad. Dan didn’t blame him if he was such a fucking mess he needed to get counselling. “I’m worried about you, Dan.”

When the term counselling came into conversation, Dan imagined people laying on couches talking about the deeper meaning to their dreams. He imagined a man in a lab coat trying to pry his way into his brain, asking ‘And why do you feel that way?’ whenever the patient so much as relayed their emotions. He imagined medications that made you a walking zombie and straight jackets rendering you motionless.

Dan shivered. “I don’t think seeing a counsellor is something that would work out for me.” His voice came out a lot less confident than he’d originally planned, more quivering and small than strong.

Scooting over on the couch so their thighs pressed together, Phil put an arm around Dan to draw him closer to his body. The drone of the television (playing an anime called No. 6) was peaceful background noise. Dan leaned into Phil’s touch, soaking up his warmth. He was safe with Phil, he’d always be safe with Phil. “You don’t have to as I’m not going to force you. I was just thinking about, you know, your situation and I think it could help you through it.”

His situation. Dan knew what situation he was talking about and he wanted to shrink into the couch and disappear forever. He was talking about his relationship with Jake, of being too scared to be with Phil, of being too afraid to break things off. A counsellor wouldn’t help him with that, it wasn’t a fucking problem. It was just something he had to get through by himself.

“I don’t…”

Phil squeezed his shoulder and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. Dan’s eyes fluttered shut at the feeling. “Like I said, I won’t force you. Just think about it, okay?”

That’s right. Phil wasn’t going to hurt Dan. Phil had always tried to look out for him, to find out what was best for him. He was the part of Dan’s day that he looked forward to the most, risking basically everything just to hang out with him. Phil just wanted Dan to be safe.

With this in mind, Dan cast his eyes to the floor and nodded, biting his lip harshly. “I’ll look into it,” he said vaguely.

And he did. The next week, he remembered what he’d told Phil while he was hanging out with Jake and his eyes widened. He’d totally forgotten about it!

“What’s wrong?” Jake asked. He was driving to grab them McDonald’s, one hand on Dan’s knee. Even through the material of Dan’s jeans, he could feel the touch burning him in the most unpleasant way. Just hours before, those hands had pinned his hands above his head, leaving bruises in the shape of fingerprints.

“Nothing,” Dan told him. Lying had become easy since he’d started hanging out with Phil. He told himself that they didn’t mean anything, that they were just so Jake wouldn’t get the wrong idea. So Jake didn’t get mad.

Jake’s fingers tightened on his knee but he didn’t say anything else. Dan also didn’t tell him that he was holding on so tight that it hurt.

Later that day, he called called up a mental health specialist and made an appointment.

Mr Cannon was the name of his counsellor. He was young, probably just out of university, and he had a tattoo of a lighthouse on his wrist that he tried to hide with his shirt cuffs. It didn’t work but Dan didn’t mind. The sight of such a casual thing was comforting to Dan, who was sat rigidly in one of the cushioned chairs. If he’d gotten one thing right about psychologists, the couches were definitely a thing, even if he wasn’t instructed to lie down in one.

“Dan, it’s so nice to meet you,” Mr Cannon told him when he sat down. Dan looked down at his feet, feeling as if he was being scrutinized. “I’m Kevin and I’ll be working with you from now on. Do you mind telling me about yourself to get to know each other?”

Dan fidgeted in his chair. “What do you want me to tell you?”

Kevin laughed and leaned back in his chair, clasping his fingers together. His sleeve rose up, showing his tattoo, and Dan stared at it. “Your likes, interests, aspirations. All that fun stuff.”

Laughing nervously, Dan finally told him the information, telling himself that he was doing this for Phil, to see him happy. To make him stop worrying because Dan was fine. So he obliged Kevin’s wishes. He told him about how he was a first year student at Manchester University studying astronomy. He told him how he liked to read in his spare time and how his favourite band was Muse. He even told him about his boyfriend Jake and how he’d come to see a psychologist because he wanted to make his friend Phil happy.

If he could even call Phil his friend now, considering they’d kissed. It was a line that was still blurry and Dan hadn’t known how to fix it just yet.

By the time their discussion on Dan’s interests was over, they hadn’t brushed on any topics that was sensitive yet. Kevin just waved it off when Dan voiced his concern, smiling. “This session was to get to know you and to make you feel comfortable talking to me. It’s a bit awkward talking about your problems to somebody you hardly know, isn’t it? We’ll save the serious stuff for when you’re ready to talk about it.”

Needless to say, Dan went back to see Kevin again the next week and Phil’s grin was so large at this fact that Dan knew his decision was worth it. He’d probably do anything if it meant Phil would smile at him like that.

He didn’t actually talk about his issues with Jake until a month and a half into his therapy. He and Phil were getting more serious and it was making him antsy. Every time he tried to break up with Jake, the words would get stuck in his throat and he ended up choking on them. Phil said he understood, that Dan could take his time, but Dan was drowning in his own guilt and it was eating him up inside.

That day at therapy, he exploded.

He told Kevin everything. Everything from when he and Jake had first started dating and he’d felt on top of the world to the moment when he realised things were maybe-not-so-okay anymore. He told him about the first time they’d had sex, when Dan wasn’t really ready for it but he was afraid he’d lose Jake if he didn’t do so. He told him how sex with Jake hurt and how it only seemed to get worse with each passing day. And finally, he told Kevin about Phil. Phil, the light to his darkness, the person who made him feel safe, the person who respected him.

Once he was finished speaking, his chest was rising and falling rapidly as if he’d just run a long distance. He was proud of himself because he didn’t cry, but his eyes felt moist nonetheless.

Kevin stared at him for a long while, a thoughtful expression on his face. His dark brows were furrowed together and his mouth was pursed, legs and arms crossed. When he spoke, his voice was soft and his eyes were sparkling. “I’m proud of you, Dan. Thank you for telling me. You’re such a strong person for doing so.”

It was then that Dan broke down, sobbing into his hands. So maybe Dan wasn’t okay, but that was alright as well. Because now he wasn’t okay but he also wasn’t alone anymore. He would be able to heal and he would get there eventually.

-

Dan was in pain. He didn’t even know how he’d gotten there, but he knew that he was in pain and he was squeezing his eyes shut to stop himself from sobbing.

One moment, he was going to Jake’s house to finally, finally break up with him, and the next he was being shoved against the bed, one of Jake’s hands holding his face into the mattress so hard that he couldn’t breathe. And Dan still hadn’t been able to break up with him.

He wanted to scream, wanted to tell Jake to stop, that he didn’t want this anymore. But he couldn’t form the words past the mattress shoved against his face. So instead, he gripped the blankets and waited for it to be over.

It seemed to last longer than it normally did and Dan’s body ached when Jake finally collapsed next to him. Dan was shaking, quivering, and Jake didn’t even seem to care. He didn’t seem to care until Dan was gingerly standing, his fists clenching at his sides, nails digging into his palms. Only then did Jake care.

“You okay babe?”

Dan snapped. He never yelled at Jake, always cowering into himself and avoiding conflict. But now, he was screaming, his voice hoarse with tears and anger. “Do I fucking look okay to you?! Do you think you can just treat me like some fucking sex puppet and think I’ll be okay with it?!” Jake’s face grew dark at his words and Dan resisted the urge to cower away from him. His whole body was screaming at him to run away, but he stayed firmly planted. It was now or never. “I’ve fucking had it with this. I’ve had it with you. We’re over, Jake. This has gone on for far too long.”

He turned to leave, grabbing his clothes in his haste. He was fully planning on streaking to his car if need be but he hadn’t even escaped the bedroom when Jake was grabbing onto his arm. Dan cried out in pain, flinching as Jake squeezed so tight it felt as if his wrist was going to break. “Let go!”

“No.” Dan’s eyes widened and his body froze in terror. That voice was so dark, so angry. It was one that haunted his dreams at night and made him scared to leave Jake in the first place. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes against the pain in his wrist. “You can’t leave me, Dan. If you leave me, you’ll never find anybody else who will love you. You’ll never find someone like me.”

Dan ripped his arm away, mustering all his strength and glaring at Jake icily. “I fucking hope I never find someone else like you,” he spat, using the window in the conversation to slip back on his clothes messily. “You’ve done nothing but make my life a living hell. Stay the fuck away from me.”

As he walked out the door, away from Jake, his ex boyfriend threw insults at him, telling him how he was unlovable, a slut, and the worst fuck he’d ever had. Dan did his best to ignore him but he couldn’t help but tremble as he finally slammed the front door shut, leaning against it. He let out a quivering breath, putting shaky hands to cover his face, and realized that there were tears running down his face.

That part of his life was now gone, locked behind a door, and he didn’t really know what to do with himself. So he did the only thing he could think of.

He called Phil.

Phil picked up on the first ring, sounding worried. He always sounded worried whenever he talked to Dan now and it made Dan want to laugh bitterly. Was he really deteriorating that much that everyone he talked to was worried for his mental health? But he knew Phil meant well so he didn’t take it to heart. He was just bitter. “Dan? What’s up?”

Dan took a shuddering breath, trying to calm himself down. It didn’t work. “I- can you- Can you come pick me up? Please? I’m at Jake’s.”

Phil told him he’d be there in about five minutes and hung up, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts, standing outside of his ex-boyfriend’s house like an idiot. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep in the last bits of his sanity despite the feeling that he just wanted to break down, to curl into a ball and never come out.

 

When Phil pulled up in his car, he found Dan huddled on the front porch steps, hair a right mess and buried in a jumper that was too large for him that he’d stolen from Phil a couple of months ago. Dan wondered if Jake was watching when Phil got out of the car and made his way over to Dan, a soft smile on his face like he was afraid to hurt Dan.

He put an arm around Dan and helped him to his feet, allowing Dan to cuddle into his side like a scared child. They didn’t say anything and Dan allowed Phil to carry him into the car, his touch so gentle in contrast to the harsh bruises appearing on his wrist. If Phil had noticed, he didn’t mention it. Dan was glad for that.

They didn’t speak until they were safe in Phil’s home, away from the intimidating aura of Jake, away from the past. Phil left him on the couch while he went to make him some tea, draping a blanket around his shoulders. Dan sniffled, wiping his face with his sleeve and finding that his face was covered with various bodily fluids like snot and tears.

Dan felt disgusting. He wanted to take a shower, to scrub at his skin until it was raw and red. He wanted to sit under the streaming water for hours until he was pruny and his thoughts were cloudy with steam. But more than that, he wanted to find out what sex was really supposed to be like. Phil had said sex wasn’t supposed to hurt but he didn’t believe it, wouldn’t believe it. Not until he was shown differently.

How was something that caused him so much pain supposed to make him feel good?

Phil came back a few moments later, a pug mug in his hands with steam rising from it. He set it down on the coffee table in front of Dan and then curled himself into Dan’s side, an arm around Dan’s shoulders that rubbed soothingly at his back. Dan shivered at the feeling and leaned in to Phil, closing his eyes and swallowing.

“Show me.” Phil hummed, sounding confused. Dan took a deep breath and his voice cracked, thick when he spoke. “I want you to show me what it’s supposed to be like when you have sex.”

“Dan,” Phil murmured gently. He leaned away, smiling softly at Dan and wiping the tears from his face. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea right now.”

The words made something in Dan crack and his face crumbled. “Do you not want to have sex with me?”

“That’s not- of course I do.” Phil took a deep breath and averted his eyes. “I just don’t think it’d be a good idea right now. Not when you’re upset and after Jake hurt you. I don’t think you’re able to think clearly right now and I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

Dan glared at him, ripping away from his grip. He was thinking clearly! He knew what he wanted and Phil couldn’t tell him what he did and didn’t want. “I know what I want,” Dan snapped, but the poison in his voice was ruined by the way his voice cracked pathetically. “I’m not intoxicated, Phil.”

Phil sighed and kissed Dan’s cheek. His expression was sad and Dan felt a pang of guilt go through him at making that beautiful face so melancholy. “Just think about it for a few days. The last thing I want to do is to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable. If I did that, it’d make me as bad as Jake.”

He could understand that. Dan wasn’t so terrible that he would force Phil to do something that he didn’t want to, and he understood that Phil was worried about him. He agreed quietly, snuggling back into Phil’s side. He was just thankful that even though he was a mess, even though he wasn’t exactly okay, Phil was still there for him and he wasn’t leaving him no matter how much shit Dan put him through.

Instead, Phil let him curl up on the couch with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and an anime playing in the background. When Dan’s eyes began drooping, Phil left the room and came back with his duvet, a light smile on his lips. His eyes were full of affection that was just for Dan and he wrapped the duvet around both of them, a warm little cocoon where Dan could pretend his wrist wasn’t aching from where Jake grabbed him and that he was okay.

For a little while, he pretended as if he was happy.

-

So maybe when Dan had broken up with Jake, he hadn’t really been able to think clearly. He realised that now, understood why Phil had turned him down when he was in such a bad place. He appreciated that Phil hadn’t taken advantage of him when given the chance; that said a lot about Phil as a person, in his opinion.

Things were different now that he wasn’t with Jake. He didn’t have to worry about hanging out with Phil as much. In fact, he practically lived with Phil, even had his own clothing drawer and all. His body didn’t hurt and the bruises were fading from his body. He still saw Kevin every week and he still shook when he so much as thought about Jake.

Sometimes he woke up at three in the morning after dreaming of hands around his neck, sobbing and begging for Jake to let him go. When this happened, Phil was right beside him, stroking his hair and rubbing soothing circles into his back. He always whispered the same things over and over again.

“Don’t worry, you’re with me now. You’re safe. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Phil would kiss his wet eyelashes and the caresses would soothe him into a peaceful sleep, tucked in a pair of warm arms, listening to Phil’s heartbeat.

But even through all of the trauma, he was getting there. He was getting better.

Dan smiled more and he laughed loudly, so loud that the librarian had to tell him to keep quiet numerous amounts of times. He read books about happiness and talked about the stars until his voice was hoarse and he couldn’t get anymore words out. His hands were steady when he got a text, diving towards the phone to see the message displayed. Dan was slowly gaining confidence and he even kissed Phil whenever he wanted to.

Phil and Kevin always told him how proud they were of him, and Dan admitted that he was proud of himself as well.

Currently, Dan and Phil were sat on top of the roof. The stars were bright overhead and a bottle of Moscato was half empty beside them. It was one of those nights where Dan was rambling about the stars and what he’d learned in class earlier that day. Phil was beside him, smiling with his face turned upwards as Dan’s voice filled the night air around them. It was one of those days where the air was chilly and they used it to their advantage, snuggling up under a blanket and sharing body heat.

Dan was relaxed, the wine making his body fuzzy and his words coming out a mile per minute. It was then that Phil cut him off, kissing him softly on the lips, much like their first kiss. Since then, they’d kissed plenty of times, but Dan would still never get used to the feeling. Phil was so gentle with him, his lips moving against his without ever asking for more than Dan wanted to give.

Dan sighed happily when Phil pulled back and smiled. “What was that for?”

Phil chuckled and bumped their noses together. “I love hearing you talk about something you’re passionate about. You’re too cute, Dan.”

Snorting, Dan bumped their shoulders together. “Nerd.” But he kissed Phil again, sliding their lips together in the way that Dan loved so much. He lifted his hand and threaded his fingers through Phil’s hair, pulling him closer. Dan was breathing him in, melting into Phil’s touch, enjoying when Phil wrapped his fingers around Dan’s hips.

He pulled away after a moment, humming and looking back up at the stars. His head was resting on Phil’s chest, listening to his heartbeat while Phil carded his hands through his hair. “Do you think there’s life on other planets?” Dan asked suddenly.

Phil chuckled. “Probably. I mean, it’s a bit egotistical to believe we’re the only ones.”

“What do you think aliens are like?”

The question made Phil pause for a moment. It was obvious that he was thinking of an answer, one that would make sense and would do his beliefs justice. Dan was flattered that he was thinking so seriously about this, that he valued Dan’s thoughts enough to have this conversation. “I don’t think they look like the aliens we see on TV,” he said slowly. “I think they’re a variety of creatures. Maybe some are just bacteria and others don’t even have a solid form. Maybe there’s worlds out there made entirely out of water or an entire planet inhabited by ghosts. Space is cool.”

Dan grinned and kissed his jawline where he could reach. “I knew I liked you for a reason,” he teased.

Phil shoved him lightly, making Dan laugh loudly, and then Phil was pulling him up and pressing their lips back together. It was as if they couldn’t get enough of each other, lips moving lightly together, fingers tangling in locks of hair. “I like you too,” Phil whispered against his lips, voice husky. The sound made Dan’s head fuzzy and he kissed him harder as if he was trying to feel how much he meant to Phil.

They kissed for a while, innocent enough, until Dan decided to go that extra step and slide his tongue against Phil’s bottom lip. Phil didn’t even pull away to question him, his fingers squeezing Dan’s hip slightly when he opened his mouth and let Dan’s tongue slide against his, exploring as much of him as he could. Dan shivered. He could taste the Moscato on Phil’s tongue, light and sweet, and he could barely help himself when he was pushing Phil backwards until he was laying on top of him.

They were kissing lazily, not in a rush for anything, and Phil’s hands were softly rubbing down Dan’s back and everything felt so nice. Dan didn’t understand how kissing someone could feel so nice and it made him whimper in the back of his throat when Phil ran his fingertips against his skin where his shirt was riding up. That definitely felt good. It sent a shock through his body and Dan didn’t even have time to feel ridiculous about it because suddenly Phil was detaching himself from his lips and moving down to Dan’s neck.

“You’re so beautiful,” Phil murmured against his skin, his breath fanning over Dan’s sensitive neck and making him tremble. He was then pressing light kisses to his skin, something about it seemingly questioning. As if he was making sure Dan was okay.

Dan tilted his head a bit to give Phil better access and let out a breath he was holding when Phil flicked out his tongue, lapping at the skin. Dan sighed, the noise turning into a moan when Phil started sucking the skin into his mouth, nibbling so softly that it didn’t hurt at all. He did this all over Dan’s neck, kissing down his jawline and laving at his collarbones. His hands slid under the back of Dan’s shirt, feeling his back, and his hands were so warm that Dan wanted… well, he didn’t really know what he wanted. But he knew that it felt good and that he wanted more. He could feel himself getting hard, embarrassingly enough, but instead of being embarrassed about it, he embraced it, moaning as Phil sucked particularly hard on his skin. He was sure it left a mark and that fact alone was enough to make Dan’s arousal peak.

So Dan pulled back, taking a deep breath. He was practically melting under Phil’s gaze, his blue irises reflecting the stars and moon from above. “Can we go to your bedroom?” he whispered. His cheeks turned a dark shade of crimson at the implication and Phil’s eyes widened.

“Are you sure?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. He’d never been so sure about anything else. Phil had proven to him over the past year just how much he could trust him. He proved that he would never force Dan into anything and that he would never hurt Dan like Jake had. “I want you,” he told Phil.

Phil’s face lit up and they quickly grabbed the duvet, the bottle of wine, and the wine glasses to make their way back indoors. When they made their way to Phil’s bedroom, Dan’s palms were sweating and his stomach was in knots. He was nervous. What if he didn’t like it? What if it hurt?

Even though Phil had told him sex wasn’t supposed to hurt, Dan still had his doubts. Every time he’d had sex, it made him feel as if his entire body was ripping in half and he hated it. What if this was the same deal?

Phil stopped him right as they were walking into the bedroom. He caught Dan by the hand and turned him to face him, smiling softly. His eyes were serious and he leaned in to give Dan a sweet kiss, squeezing his hand. “Are you sure you want to do this? It’s okay if you back out.”

Dan hesitated. Did he want this? The idea of pleasurable sex had always appealed to him, but he was just so scared. But this was Phil. Phil, who had never hurt him, who had held him when he was crying. Who had never judged him and always respected him. “Yes. I want this.”

Phil kissed him again, humming. “If you want me to stop, I don’t care how far we’ve gotten, I’ll stop immediately. If you hurt, let me know. If you want to stop for any reason, tell me so. I want you to want this as much as I do.” Dan nodded and Phil smiled, leading him over to the bed. “Now, say the first word that comes to your head.”

Dan blinked. “Um. What?”

“Say a random word. Anything.”

“Banana?”

“Good. That’s your safeword. If you want me to stop, shout banana.” Dan giggled and nodded, bringing Phil into a kiss that was much more urgent. The fact that Phil wanted to be so safe with him was confirming his decision, making him want this more, and he was so grateful for it.

Phil hummed into the kiss, reciprocating just as urgently as Dan was. Even though they were more heated, he was still gentle as can be, laying Dan against the bed and climbing on top of him. His hands were soft as they caressed Dan’s sides, slowly pulling off his shirt to reveal the skin of Dan’s tanned chest. He wasted no time in getting his hands all over Dan’s chest and stomach, goosebumps raising on Dan’s flesh.

His skin burned wherever Phil touched him, trails of fire down Dan’s chest as Phil began to kiss down his body, licking and sucking on every part of him that he could reach. He stopped at Dan’s nipples, his thumbs pressing into Dan’s hips as he took one of the nubs in his mouth and sucked lightly.

Dan mewled arched into the touch, feeling himself hardening in his jeans. He’d never gotten his nipples sucked before and was pleasantly surprised when it felt so good. His hands flew to tangle in Phil’s hair when he bit down, rolling his nipple between his teeth, Dan basically writhing under his mouth. “Fuck,” Dan whimpered, and Phil took that as his cue to give the same treatment to the other side.

Phil’s fingers trailed over his hips, dipping into the waistband of his trousers teasingly before pulling back. He took his mouth away from Dan’s skin in order to slip off his own shirt, and Dan didn’t get the chance to admire his body before he was swooping back down to kiss at Dan’s stomach. Dan whimpered softly at the feeling, bucking his hips at the feeling of Phil’s tongue dipping into his naval. He was so turned on that he could barely think anymore, his hands fluttering nervously at his sides.

Finally, Phil brought his hand down to rub at the bulge in his trousers and Dan moaned loudly, not even embarrassed by that fact. The pressure of Phil’s palm on his dick was too much and he wanted the layers of material off.

Seemingly able to read his mind, Phil started to play with the button on Dan’s jeans. “Can I take these off?” he asked.

“Fuck yes,” Dan breathed, and then his jeans were getting shoved off, leaving him in just his boxers. His hips bucked up of their own accord and then Phil’s mouth was back on him, licking at his hard bulge through the material of his boxers. The feeling was absolutely wonderful and Dan couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this good doing something sexual. His boxers were getting wet with Phil’s spit but he couldn’t seem to care, the sensation only building his pleasure more until he was begging, begging for Phil to hurry up, to make him feel good.

Phil chuckled at that but obliged, stripping Dan completely until his erection sprung free, hard and red and dripping with precome. “Wait,” Dan panted as Phil moved to take his cock in his hand. Phil froze, staring at him with concern. “Take off your clothes too.”

Laughing and shaking his head in amusement, Phil moved to kiss him, slipping his tongue into Dan’s mouth for a second before he was pulling away and tugging off his own clothes. “Anything for you,” Phil mused. Then they were both naked and Dan didn’t think he’d seen such a beautiful sight.

Phil was pale, skin porcelain and covered with tiny freckles and beauty marks. He wanted to connect them together, to draw constellations on his skin, to mark up that beautiful skin with his own marks. He had a little bit of a stomach, love handles that Dan wanted to squeeze, and his cock was standing proudly, large and thick and just as hard as Dan was.

Before they continued, Dan tugged Phil down for another kiss, feeling their bare bodies slide together, their cocks grinding against each other, and Dan groaned. Everything felt so good, so intense, and if he wasn’t excited before, he was certainly ready now.

He protested when Phil pulled away, leaning back and staring at Dan’s body with a look of utmost adoration. “You’re the most beautiful sight I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Phil told him. His cheeks were rosy, lips swollen from kissing, and he licked his lips when he finally took Dan in his hand. Dan rolled his hips up, eyes fluttering shut at the feeling of Phil’s fingers sliding over his aching erection. It was nice, so new, something Dan wasn’t used to. When Phil touched him, he didn’t feel dirty. It was exhilarating.

Dan felt as if his heart was going to beat out of his chest. Even as Phil was touching him, his fingers were soft, so gentle, as if he was afraid Dan was going to break. It made Dan feel as if he was on top of the word.

Suddenly, Phil was leaning forward and Dan keened as his tongue flicked out, licking away the precome that had gathered on his tip. Phil’s tongue was so warm and wet, and then Phil was taking him entirely in his mouth and Dan thought he was going to explode.

His chest was heaving and he was sweating, so close already. His hands flew to Phil’s hair, grasping, and he gasped when he felt Phil’s tongue playing with his slit. Dan threw his head back, squirming under Phil’s touch. Phil was caressing his thighs, rubbing soft circles into the skin and making sure Dan felt good. And he did. He felt so good. When Phil swallowed around him, Dan saw stars and called out, his groin clenching with the realisation that he was going to come if Phil didn’t pull of right then.

“Phil, Phil,” Dan stuttered, breathing heavily. He tugged on Phil’s hair to pull him up, groaning at the sight of Phil’s lips glossy with spit, his pupils blown wide. “If you don’t stop, I’m gonna come.”

Phil smirked and chuckled at him, straightening up to reach a hand out and brush Dan’s hair out of his face. His thumb then trailed to Dan’s lips, swiping off the spit that’d collected there from Dan biting at them. “You ready?” Phil asked softly.

Dan couldn’t hear anything apart from his own rapid breathing. His heart was roaring in his ears but he nodded nonetheless.

At that, Phil kissed him softly and reached towards the bedside drawer. He pulled out a bottle of lube and a foil wrapper that crumbled under his touch. The sound made Dan nervous, his hands shaking slightly as he carded them through Phil’s hair. To hide his nervousness, he drew Phil back in for a kiss, biting and sucking at Phil’s bottom lip. He loved the way Phil tasted, like moscato and cherry chapstick.

But mostly, he felt like home.

Phil’s hands appeared back at his thighs but he didn’t pull away from the kiss. He seemed to know that Dan was nervous, probably able to hear Dan’s heartbeat hammering in his chest. With gentle hands, he pulled Dan’s legs apart, rubbing his hands along the inside of his thighs. That action alone was enough to calm Dan down enough that he was able to press himself into Phil’s touch, asking for more.

He heard a cap popping open and then Phil was whispering in his ear, telling him how lucky he was to be able to be with Dan like this and Dan made a noise as he felt Phil’s index finger sliding against his entrance. It was a strange feeling, slick with lube and pushing against his ring of muscles, but he did his best to relax so Phil could slide it in all the way to his knuckle.

“You good?” Phil murmured.

Dan nodded and squirmed a bit, trying to get used to the feeling. He’d never had anyone prepare him like this before so the entire experience was new. It was strange but he couldn’t tell if he liked it or not yet. “Feels weird,” Dan mumbled.

Phil chuckled. He moved his finger around, getting Phil ready to add another. “It’ll feel good in a second. Don’t worry.” With that, he slid in a second finger. Dan’s face scrunched up. It didn’t hurt but it definitely didn’t feel pleasant. He waited for Dan to give a small nod before he started to move those fingers, scissoring them and stretching Dan out as much as he could without causing pain.

Right before he added the third finger, he kissed Dan all over. His nose, his forehead, his cheeks, and his lips. “Relax. This one is a bigger stretch but I have to do it to make sure I don’t hurt you, okay?”

A wave of fear filled Dan and he tensed despite himself. It would hurt? He didn’t want it to hurt. Phil calmed him, distracting him my kissing his neck and all the way down his chest to suck on his nipples again. Dan moaned at the feeling on Phil’s mouth all over him, his tongue making his skin tingle and feel hot.

Only when Dan was ready did Phil insert the final finger. It didn’t hurt quite as bad as Dan had imagined, but it made him bite his lip harshly. He didn’t like it very much. The fingers felt like intrusions and he could feel himself beginning to panic as Phil started to stretch him wide open, a tinge of pain going through his body.

He opened his mouth to tell Phil to stop when suddenly his eyes flew open and his jaw dropped. “Oh!” he gasped in surprise, pleasure numbing his entire body. Phil grinned at him and crooked his fingers again, hitting that spot that made Dan’s toes curl and a moan rip from his throat. “What was that?”

“That’s your prostate,” Phil told him. He continued to stroke the area until Dan was a writhing mess underneath him. Phil’s fingers felt so good, made him feel so full. He never knew he would like being fingered but Phil knew just how to make him squirm.

“I’m ready,” Dan told him. He was panting, his dick hard and throbbing against his stomach, leaking with precome.

Phil smiled sweetly at him and withdrew his fingers. Dan whined at the loss, trying to chase them with his hips but Phil stopped him by ripping open the condom packet. Through lidded eyes, Dan watched as he rolled it on, smearing a generous amount of lube all over his length. He then leant forward and kissed Dan hard, slipping his tongue in his mouth while he lined himself up.

Dan felt himself tense as Phil pushed in, just the tip. It wasn’t a very smart thing to do because Dan was immediately wincing in pain, biting down so hard on his lip that he tasted blood. Phil froze, his hands rubbing soothing circles down Dan’s legs and arms, trying to get him to relax once more.

But Dan couldn’t relax. All he could remember was how much it had hurt when he had sex, how Jake would hold him down and bruise him and Dan would just stare at the ceiling waiting for it to be over.

“Banana! Banana, sorry, please stop.”

Immediately, Phil pulled away. He pulled out of Dan and instead took him in his arms, snuggling him and letting Dan bury his face into his neck. “You’re okay, shh, you’re safe.” His voice was soft, his hands were soft, Phil himself was soft as he held Dan. He was kissing Dan’s shoulder, running his hands down Dan’s skin, and they were pressed tightly together but it wasn’t sexual in the slightest.

Dan shuddered and tried to make the bad thoughts go away. He wasn’t with Jake anymore. He was with Phil and Phil was safe. Phil would take care of him.

He took a deep breath, calming himself down. “I- I don’t like being pinned down,” Dan told Phil. He was still buried in Phil’s chest, voice muffled as he spoke. “I want to continue but…”

“Do you want to be on top?” Dan shook his head at that. Topping wasn’t for him. Not yet at least. “Would you… like to ride me?”

Dan paused. Did he want to ride Phil? His problem was that he didn’t like to be held down. Jake always held him down and it made him feel as if he was trapped. However, if he was riding Phil, it would be he who was in control. He wouldn’t feel so suffocated that way.

Slowly, sheepishly, Dan nodded his head. “I’d like to try.”

Phil kissed the top of his head and rolled them over so Dan was laying on top of him. He kissed him sweetly, pressing soothing fingers into Dan’s hips. Dan took a few deep breaths and positioned himself so Phil’s tip was pressing back against his entrance.

This time, he had the power and Phil was holding him softly, smiling encouragingly up at him. So when he sank down onto Phil’s cock slowly, he was relaxed and it didn’t hurt quite as much.

He took his time adjusting and Phil let him. He distracted Dan by rubbing his fingers all up and down Dan’s chest, playing with his nipples and then sliding his hand over Dan’s erection. Dan inched himself down on Phil’s length slowly until he was fully inside of him, Phil’s groin pressed up against Dan’s ass.

It was a strange feeling, much more intense than it had been with just Phil’s fingers. When he went slow, he hardly felt any pain at all. Dan felt so filled up that it was quite erotic. He was filled up by Phil.

Hands rested firmly on Phil’s chest, he raised himself up experimentally, feeling Phil’s cock slide slightly out of him, and then pushed his hips back down. He groaned at the feeling, a burst of pleasure going through his stomach. Phil felt so good inside of him like this and he clenched around him just to feel him more, to feel even more filled up.

Phil moaned underneath him and it was the most beautiful noise Dan had ever heard. He wanted to hear it more. So he clenched around Phil again, this time bouncing his hips as well and letting out a whimper as Phil let out the same delicious noise.

He started to set a pace for himself, bouncing up and down on Phil’s cock, loving the way it felt to have Phil sliding in and out of him. It was when Phil started thrusting his hips up to meet Dan’s movements that Dan felt that wonderful sensation again, his entire vision going blurry for a moment as Phil hit his prostate.

“Fuck! Phil!” Dan gasped out. It caused Phil to grasp his hips tightly, beginning to thrust into him, directly hitting his prostate each time.

Dan was boneless. He let Phil fuck erratically into him and fell forward so he was sloppily kissing Phil’s neck. One of Phil’s hands trailed down his body and grasped his cock, tugging it along with his thrusts, and Dan knew he wasn’t going to last long.

“I’m going to come,” Dan warned Phil, moaning into his skin.

The admission only made Phil fuck him harder, his fist moving on Dan’s cock faster, and Dan was seeing white. He came in long spurts over Phil’s chest, moaning loudly as Phil jerked him through it.

“You did so well,” Phil praised him, and then he was choking out a moan as well as Dan clenched around him. Dan could tell that Phil was coming undone as well, inside the condom. His hips stuttered and he moaned low in his throat, holding Dan close to him.

Dan collapsed to Phil’s chest, not caring that there was a sticky mess over his stomach or that Phil was still inside him. He hummed, burying his face into Phil’s neck and kissing the skin there. “Thank you,” Dan told Phil and it took him a moment to realise that his face was wet with tears. He was thanking Phil over and over, not caring that he looked like an idiot for crying right after sex.

Phil didn’t care either. He held him close, rubbing his hands down his back and littering kisses all over Dan’s face. “I’m so proud of you, Dan. You’re so amazing. So brave.” Gently, he pulled out of Dan and Dan lifted himself up so Phil could tie the condom and throw it in the bin. When Phil started to clean them both up, his movements were soft as he ran the washcloth down Dan’s body. It reminded him of how different things were now and he smiled, letting Phil take care of him.

For the first time, Dan had actually enjoyed sex. He hadn’t been in pain and when he panicked, Phil had immediately stopped. He was in utter shock at the experience, wondering why he’d put up with Jake for so long when he could have had something like this.

And for the first time, Dan knew he was fine. Even though he still had a long way to heal, even though he still had to battle his inner demons, he was recovering. He was getting there.

Dan was going to be alright.


End file.
